*republished from an old journal entry from two years ago.
Yesterday I experienced something I never have before, nor can I be certain I ever will again. I can really only best describe it as a spiritual exorcism. A letting go- a forcing out, a disconnection- from something that I have been holding onto/that has been holding on to me, for too long… something that quite possibly came from that of a past life.
And it all happened within a crystal healing session.
I have felt for a while now that my heart chakra has been blocked, or in the very least that I have not been able to use it to its highest potential. I have been unable to experience heart opening meditations, I cannot open my heart in any visions, I have felt guarded- unable to completely let go in love. I have even been unable to play my heart chakra crystal sound bowl. All of this I have known for quite sometime, but I have been pushing it aside, disregarding it. I didn't want to admit what I ‘felt’, because I haven't been able to let go and completely trust the guidance I have been given.
I have been in meditation- intentional meditation- a lot lately. Due to being enrolled in an online course in intuitive plant medicine, I have been exposed to both connecting with plant spirits, and shamanic journeying. My meditations have in the past mainly consisted of sound bowls, walking our labyrinth at home, and occasionally some spoken word by a favourite podcaster.
I have been learning these past few weeks to ask for guidance within my meditations, to travel through worlds, to connect with guides, to listen to plant allies. And in doing so, my world seems to have changed quite dramatically in quite a small space of time.
My experiences within these meditations though, haven’t been ‘like’ my fellow plant spirit students. I wasn't going on clear journeys, I wasn't receiving clear imagery, I was basically feeling like a bit of a sham. Of course I have come to realise that the truth to that, is just because my experience was different to the others, doesn't mean it was wrong. I have in fact been receiving ‘words’. Words that bubble up in my meditations, unforced and uncategorised, and I feel immediately that I must leave the meditation and go find the meaning to these words.
Every single time I meditate, this happens, and it started with the first intentional meditation. I kept asking (in my meditation), what can I do with my writing? Where is it taking me? Writing writing writing, help. I am blocked I am blocked I am blocked.
Then, just as the meditation was wrapping up, the name Margaret Atwood came to me. So I got up and googled it.
She’s an author, I've actually read one of her books and loved it…BUT more to the point her website immediately directs you to Story Is A State of Mind…..
An online creative writing school, with the tag line by MARGARET ATWOOD….
For those asking about writing, motivation, blocks: check out Story is a State of Mind. Smart, encouraging, practical.”
"The course is a self-paced online writing retreat, designed to transform your relationship with writing.
Enrol from anywhere in the world and work at your own writing desk. You’ll get instant access to all the lessons, and you’ll join a global community of motivated and supportive writers.”
When I first read that, my mind was a little blown- WHOA! When I asked for help and guidance in concern to my writing, I received an immediate tangible response.
Then next meditation was the same. I received the words- ‘Hypertrophic’ and ‘Vessels’. I researched them and they meant ‘a condition where the heart wall is abnormally thick’. Huh, ok. Blocked/thick heart chakra put into literal, physical terms. Thank you very much.
I then went to bed after doing a shamanic journey meditation, and woke the next morning with a vivid dream still swirling in my head. I had dreamt of my brother-in-law going down to an island, telling us he was going to connect with the eagle that had been flying up above us. When he ventured down, the eagle enveloped him with his wings, completely covering him- as if they were one in the same. I rang my sister the next day and explained what I had seen and she could not believe it. Eagles had been flying above them all week, and her husband actually came inside that morning to tell her what the new name for his company was going to be- ‘Wedge-tail Diesel Services’. I also read up on the meaning of the Eagle spirit animal and it was bang on what he was experiencing at the present moment- a big shift, and the confidence needed to take on changes and to seize opportunities as they were being presented.
That night I received the message ‘I am the Apple tree spirit. My name is Paloosa. Why doesn't anyone call me that anymore?’. I had been thinking about my apple trees that day, worried about how to honour them before the weekend comes and we prune them all back. After doing this Plant Spirit course, these thoughts pop up more than you realise! You start becoming conscious of things you never would have given a second thought to before. It can sometimes be a little worrisome, until you figure it out what feels right. The tree spirit coming to me, gave me a basis in which to do an intentional honouring ceremony before we begin cutting off the limbs of the apple trees- I have a name to use in the ceremony, something tangible that will help ground me to time and place.
The following day I had a meditation journey where I was dancing around a fire, and in the middle of the fire I saw a ‘man’ rise from the middle of it and the word ‘Aithne’ came to me. Again, after leaving the meditation I researched the word….Aithne was a Celtic word, meaning ‘Male Fire God’.
I was walking in town and I was attracted to a little flower patch on the side of the road. I had been worrying about my mum all morning, as she hasn't been well. I had been researching herbal remedies to see what I could do to help her. After picking the little flowers from the patch I saw (something I never do), I walked into a shop where a lady came straight up to me and said, ‘Ahh Feverfew! A perfect antidote for migraines!”. My mum describes her disease as a migraine without the headache…
The word ‘Harvest’ came up when I was doing a sound healing for a friend. I couldn't connect it to her, so I held on to the word for a few days. Yesterday I begun work on a new range of artwork, and put up a sneak peek on Instagram as I always do. The first comment from a friend was- “You must call this new range Harvest Moons”.
All day yesterday I had an itchy finger under my wedding ring, I ignored that for as long as possible and the itchiness crept to my leg. Again I ignored that and the side of my face broke out in an itchy rash. I went to bed last night and just as I was drifting off to sleep, the word ‘Arnica’ came to me. I got up and googled it and it is used for relief of itchiness. Then as I woke the next morning, the words ‘Artemis Vulgaris’ were there. I have been having digestive issues for a long time, and my stomach was particularly sore last night. It turns out “Artemis Vulgaris’ is commonly known as Mugwort, and is used steeped in a tea to help aid sore stomachs.
So, words are what my Guides/The Universe/Spirit/God use to communicate with me. It is of no secret that I love words- I love talking, I love writing, I love reading. I write everyday as a form of stress relief, and I know I have within me a book just waiting to be written. The ‘visions’ aren't very strong when mediating, neither are the smells, the sounds, the feelings; but the words? The words are coming through loud and clear.
Now, coming back to where I begun this story, I knew I had to listen to the blocked Heart Chakra information (the translation of ‘hypertrophic vessels’). I knew that blockage was holding me back in furthering my journey- in becoming more awake, in expanding my consciousness. So with that I decided to see a Crystal Healer yesterday morning.
I had no idea what to expect. For all my love of spirituality, I had never opened up to anyone outside myself- other than paying for a phone conversation with a Psychic once. I have crystals- any good new-age hippie does- and I have put them out under the Full Moon every month, they have adorned my altars and I have worn them in my bra. But I have never truly understood them. To be honest I have been a little dubious about them…do they really have the power to alter particular states, as people say they do. Can they really heal/ unblock chakras/ calm nerves/keep people safe from psychic attack? Aren't they just pretty stones that we admire? And more importantly, can they actually speak to a Healer when they are working on a client? I had these questions, but I also am completely aware, that the most important thing to do in these situations, is to remain open. A closed mind will do you no good regardless of what may or may not happen.
So I arrived at my appointment willing and able. We discussed a little about what I thought may be happening within me, I told Tamara (the Healer) about my ‘words’ that come to me, and my inability to completely ‘open up’. She listened and assured me that whatever comes of this session, she will do her best to move that which was blocking, and heal whatever it is that presents itself.
I laid on the table, and began to take deep breaths. My head was so loud! It's always so loud! I'm running commentary, Im berating myself for my inability to relax, I am hyper-aware of any words that may bubble up, I am basically just getting in my own way. I try to imagine myself walking through a garden, and then I’m thinking about what to have for dinner, and then I’m imagining plants and animals meeting me, and then I’m soaring through the clouds, and then it’s dark and then I’m reminding myself to breathe, and then I'm getting angrier and angrier because I can't do this properly, I cant relax, I cant meditate, this is so annoying, COME ON HAYLEY- do it!
And then my body feels hot where Tamara places her hands. And maybe a little tingly. I can feel her moving and changing crystals, I can hear her yawning (she warned me that may happen and that it's just a way for her to expunge any energy that needs clearing from my body). Time is not dragging, time doesn't have any real construct here. I begin to not feel my body, I haven't moved in quite a while I think, and my body goes a little numb, but I decide not to bring any awareness to it- it may break what little concentration I do have with my breath and bring me back to my ridiculous tumble of words that were playing within my mind. It's a little quieter now in there. I think it's about this time that I begin to relax, everything is a little more fluid. I am aware that Tamara is still at my head, with her hands at my jaw. It feels warm and I feel little bursts of energy every now and then.
And then I lose all awareness of where I am. My heart starts to race, I feel like I can’t breath, like I am hyperventilating. I begin to sweat, I am boiling hot, my palms are sweaty and I can no longer feel the crystals I was holding in them just a moment before. I am deeply afraid and I want to run. I want to get out of there and I need to leave NOW, I need to leave Oh my God I am so terrified. Everything is black and I am completely removed from my body now. I am rising, rising, rising above it all. My heart is beating out of my chest, but I am no longer a part of that. The darkness rises from me, I feel like I am watching all of this occur, but not from above, almost from far away but with a sense of knowing. It is absolutely terrifying but I hear “You are safe Hayley, you are safe you are safe you are safe. Keep going, don't run. Stay within this, let it move through you- let it be released. Dont run, dont run, this is something you have to do". I knew at that moment I had a choice. I could open my eyes and all of this could be over. Or I could lay here, in this absolute terror and move it on, once and for all. I felt it move from me, I felt the darkness move from my chest. Even through the urge to fight it, I allowed it to happen, there really was no choice. It had to be done and it had to be done now. I hear Tamara’s voice, ‘What are you feeling Hayley? Give me a word’. No! I'm thinking, no i can’t. How can I describe this? And then, ‘Release’. Release was all I could let escape through my lips. Release.
Slowly my heart rate began to drop to a more normal pace. Slowly the sweat stopped dripping from my pores. Slowly I became aware I was safe in a room, laying on a table with someone standing by my feet. Tears started falling. I could hear Tamara begin to describe what just happened, what she just saw.
‘I knew going into this that there was clear protection over your Heart, but that it was coming from your Head’, she told me.
‘In this vision I could see two small children Hayley. They were fighting over a red jumper, both pulling it towards themselves. I spoke to them and told them that there was no need to fight- that they could both have a jumper each, that it didn't have to be one or the other. They were going back and forth, pulling and pushing, fighting over the same thing. I knew this was a metaphor for your logical side wanting to hold on to this protection, because in a past life speaking and acting from your heart had cost you your life’.
Tamara then began crying, ‘You had fallen in love with a man from a very different class level to you- he being like Royalty, and you as somewhat of a Chamber Maid. Back in this time, this was not allowed, even though he loved you too, and you suffered dearly- ultimately with your life’.
‘I was able to speak to both your Spiritual and Mental sides, letting you know that the protection wasn't needed anymore, and that you could let it go; and at the same time you would still be able to keep your soul experience and the lessons you had learnt (ie. both girls would be getting a jumper). There was no need to fight it anymore, there was no need for this type of protection, guarding your Heart. It was when I finished this part, that you decided you were out of there. It was then that your body reacted. It was the fear of it costing your life again- but with the strength of your Guides, my Guides, the crystals and whatever else we had with us, you were able to move through that fear and release the deep protection that you had held on to for so long. I could feel your fear, and it was all-consuming, but you were able to move through it’.
This experience is something that I know I will draw on for years to come. I know that yesterday, was a major pivotal point for me in this body- that things were released, that fear was abandoned, that the protection that I thought was serving me, was stood down. Words cannot even begin to describe how it felt, and there is very rarely a time when I am lost for them.
But for now, I am.
I know that I must now move through my heart space. The time to be scared of that, has gone; and the good work, the necessary work, will come from me being open to my vulnerability, being open to my softness, being open to the pouring out of love. There is no need to hold that, to guard that, any longer.
I have a lot of work to do,
I better get moving.